Your celebrity crush dominates your every thought, but you probably can’t afford the kind of detective work that would allow you to most effectively win his/her love, right? Don’t settle for a poster — find your way into that dreamboat’s heart with Nerve’s Celebrity Dossier. We’ve hired an honest-to-God, totally legitimate fictional CIA agent to assemble the best intel about these hotties’ needs and proclivities, and we’ve even thrown in a little [unaccredited] analysis to help you make the most of it. Once you’re briefed, only a restraining order can come between you and that special someone. — Peter Smith
Name: Evan Rachel Wood
Birthdate: September 7, 1987
Sign: Virgo
Hometown: Raleigh, NC
Current Residence(s): Los Angeles
Height: 5′7″
Hair: Blonde, usually
Eyes: Blue
Resume: Thirteen, Across the Universe, The Wrestler, Whatever Works
Known Relationships: Jamie Bell, Marilyn Manson
Favored Entertainment: Tae kwon do, westerns, films by Woody Allen and Darren Aronofsky
Mating Preferences: Subject leans towards feminized males: “Eyeliner. If you’ve ever dated me, then you would have ended up wearing eyeliner at some point. All my boyfriends have.” Note also preference for the unpredictable; on Manson, “He’s crazy! And crazy, by the way, is the highest compliment I pay.”
Sexual Flexibility: “I’m not a lesbian, but I don’t think it’s weird or gross or anything.” Subject slated to play “Lesbian Vampire Queen of Louisiana” on season two of HBO’s True Blood. Threat level high.
Courtship Style: Favors domesticity: “[I'm] hopeless at drinking. I’m not saying I’m an angel, I just don’t have an addictive personality. Even today, with Manson, I’m happier staying home watching movies.” Howard Hughes-esque levels of eccentricity may be well-received: “When we first met, he took me up to the roof to just shoot pellet guns — at nothing!“
Known Vulnerabilities: Demure, probably explaining attraction to outsized personalities. “I used to not even be able to order pizza on the phone because I was just so shy.” Casual request for food delivery may unsettle subject, allowing regaining of advantage.
Sexual Persona: Highly freaky. On sex scene in Manson video: “We made it for each other. I just wanted to show that it’s okay to have different, weird ideas about romance. At the end of the video, we’re kissing and it’s raining blood — and for me, that was one of the most romantic moments of my entire life.” Be prepared to change sheets. “If you’re going to have a sex scene, that’s what it is. When you’re with someone and you’re in love, that’s usually what happens. It’s not always soft. Sometimes it’s somebody screaming.”
Chance of Access: High. Subject is young, impulsive and drawn to bad behavior. Civilians seriously imagining dating her are probably already unhinged enough to succeed.
Potential Cost of Failure: Large. Best case, tabloids print embarrassing eyeliner pictures; worst, Marilyn Manson retaliates via entire album of bad industrial music.
Best Approach: Dress like Criss Angel. Age rapidly.
Research by James Brady Ryan and Joe Bernardi.
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