Your celebrity crush dominates your every thought, but you probably can’t afford the kind of detective work that would allow you to most effectively win his/her love, right? Don’t settle for a poster — find your way into that dreamboat’s heart with Nerve’s Celebrity Dossier. We’ve hired an honest-to-God, totally legitimate fictional CIA agent to assemble the best intel about these hotties’ needs and proclivities, and we’ve even thrown in a little [unaccredited] analysis to help you make the most of it. Once you’re briefed, only a restraining order can come between you and that special someone. — Peter Smith
Name: Megan Denise Fox
DOB: May 16, 1986
Sign: Taurus
Hometown: Rockwood, TN
Height: 5′5″
Hair: Black
Eyes: Blue
Resume: Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen, Transformers, Transformers 2, How to Lose Friends and Alienate People
Known Relationships: David Gallagher (2003-2004); Brian Austin Green (2004-2009? – breakup disputed)
Entertainment Preferences: Claims to like comic books and videogames; possible ploy to lure in Stuff readers.
Mating Preferences: Older men: “Boys in their twenties are a waste of time. They have nothing to offer conversationally; they’re immature. I feel like I have a better shot with someone in his thirties.” At least one Russian stripper: “I bought her things — perfume, body spray, girlie stuff. I turned into a weird middle-aged married man. I felt like I had this need to save Nikita. I’d get lap dances so I could get to know her.”
Sexual Flexibility: Confirmed: “I have no question in my mind about being bisexual.” Are you listening, aforementioned Stuff readers? Female fans should watch their own rosters: “I would never date a girl who was bisexual, because that means they also sleep with men, and men are so dirty that I’d never want to sleep with a girl who had slept with a man.”
Courtship Style: Photographed grabbing Brian Austin Green’s manhood at a café. “I touch him all the time. It’s just like, if you have a girlfriend, you grab her butt or whatever.”
Known Vulnerabilities: “I felt like once I achieved that success then all of my internal issues would be solved and I would be this really confident person. And I’m not. It’s not just physical insecurity. It’s also a feeling of not being acceptable, and wanting to be. Of course I think that has something to do with my parents’ divorce and not seeing my dad and always feeling rejected. You don’t ever really get past that.” Easy mark, gentlemen.
Sexual Persona: By subject’s own account, “I’m extraordinarily sexual within a monogamous relationship. Nothing’s off-limits.” In fact, at least one activity may be off-limits: “Who gives handjobs? Who’s given a handjob since seventh grade? Not me.” Handjob enthusiasts, beware.
Chance of Access: Very, very small. Subject is massively famous, highly prized, and accordingly guarded.
Potential Cost of Failure: Fat kids bearing flowers should already know what they’re in for. This probably means you.
Best Approach: Female suitors should focus on fallen-angel vulnerability and brush up on their Tolstoy. Male suitors should star in an iconic ’90s soap, then wait two decades. Prayer is also recommended. And do note that subject apologized rather tenderly to fat kid in question. Courage, agent!
Research by James Brady Ryan and Joe Bernardi.
It’s funny how this site went from relevant to rag in the last few years…it all happened so slow you might not even have noticed.
Jaques Mehoffier commented on
Jun 26 09 at
1:24 pm
Funny stuff. I agree she is probably the least attainable female on the planet right now. Red hot and highly difficult.
deggers commented on
Jun 26 09 at
1:38 pm
Agreed, James. There was a time when I came to this site to get away from this sort of fluffy garbage.
spinal commented on
Jun 29 09 at
11:52 am
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